Surviving Cancer

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt “out-of-place”. I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. In middle school, high school, and college, I never truly felt like I had a place. I didn’t feel I “fit” or “belonged.” The same goes for jobs and friends. I never truly felt like I “thrived.” I had so much support, during cancer, from those that I had encountered throughout my life. Then, when treatment was done and I could finally resume a “normal” life, everyone disappeared. And by disappeared, I don’t mean in an instant or all at once. Here I am, 3.5 years in remission, and I stand alone, with a few exceptions.

It took me getting cancer twice to finally start figuring out who I really am. In the process of figuring out who I am, I have also figured out who I am not. I started distancing myself from things in my life that no longer fit. After all, the ReNita before cancer, is gone, and she isn’t ever coming back. So, it only made sense that habits, belongings, people, etc… that I once valued, would also change. I had to let go of the person I once was. This was necessary so that God could transform me into the person I am meant to be.

My transformation is definitely not complete. God is still revealing what He has in store for my future, my lessons, my purpose. I desperately tried to return to my old habits, routines, everything. I quickly learned that I could no longer keep up. I had to start relearning how to live this new life that God blessed me with. One step at a time, I have made a lot of progress. I have a much greater appreciation for simple. I don’t need the best of everything like I once thought. I have learned to be content and humble with each and every blessing in my life. After cancer, I consider more things blessings than not.

For many years while going through cancer treatment, almost everything about my life was out of my control. I wasn’t truly living. Life was happening to me. And there was not much I could do about it. After living in survival mode with me, my husband and kids are also relearning how to live. Nothing about our old life was the same, with a few exceptions. We are still diligently working to dig out of the hole that cancer put us in. I honestly didn’t think we would ever see light. I finally started seeing the light when I stopped trying to control everything. I put my future, our future, in God’s hands.

I still have hard days where I struggle to cope with all the life that happened to me. The parts of life that I cannot change. I have a lot of memories of things I wish I could forget. Alternately, there are a lot of memories that I long to have been a part of. The memories I experienced only through photo or video. I missed out on years of my life, my kids’ life, that I will never get back.

Cancer took a lot from me. Starting with my breast and moving on to my hair. Cancer took my ability to have more children. Cancer took precious time from me while my two young kids were growing up. Cancer took my control and my freedom. I am still learning to cope with those things that cancer took that I cannot get back. Cancer took so much from me. Yet, cancer gave me far more than it took. Surprised? So am I, let me explain.

At first, all I ever noticed or thought about, was what cancer took from me. I only saw the negative side. Little did I know, the farther out from cancer I get, the more God reveals to me. I could never say that I am thankful I got cancer. However, I am thankful for the journey that cancer ultimately took me on.

Through my cancer journey, God set out to transform me. He transformed me in a way I never could have dreamed. He’s still at work, but I have changed for the better in more ways than one. During breast cancer treatment, I’ll be honest, I was angry and didn’t learn much. It took a real big act of God to get me to really see. Little by little God is transforming me to be more in His image.

Through cancer I have gained confidence. Growing up with non-existent self-confidence, I was happy to welcome this new trait of mine. Through cancer I have become more assertive about my care. I am also more assertive about my children’s care. I stand firm on anything else that I feel passionate about. Through cancer I love deeper. If I feel it, I say it. I don’t leave saying ‘I love you’ left unsaid to those that I truly love. I feel emotions on such a deep level because I have seen and witnessed how easily life can be upended. Through cancer I have found contentment. I am content with each blessing God has set before me. Everything He has given He can take away in the snap of a finger.

Through cancer I have learned to appreciate more. I have become more thankful, more grateful. It’s like before cancer my eyes were always clouded by newer, better, nicer. Now, I am simply overwhelmed with what God has shown me. The clouds are gone. I can now fully see the world around me. I notice the many blessings I once took for granted. Through cancer God has shown me purpose. I have a calling and it is to serve our great and mighty, Lord. God will guide you. Slow down. Take the time to pray. Dwell in the presence of Jesus Christ.

I have been shown what is truly of value in this life and it’s nothing material, like I once thought. I value the quiet moments in my backyard. Watching butterflies, bees, and critters of the like. I value the simple moments my life now offers me. My eyes, my heart, my soul, and my arms are wide open and waiting for God’s next blessing.

Last but not least, cancer gave me Julian. The brother I never had but always wanted. He swooped in and became my saving grace. He is the reason I am still here. When I went to Germany to meet Julian, he always said the choice to donate was easy. He thought it was not that big of a deal. I finally got tired of hearing about the lack of importance he put on his donation. We gathered around the bonfire in the backyard garden of Julian’s fiance’s family. I stood up and hushed everyone. I had something to say. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I remember the gist. It may have been easy for Julian to donate the life saving bone marrow. However, it was my life on the line. In not so many words, I simply stated that Julian saved my life. I would not be here today to watch my children grow, without his lifesaving donation. This little speech was definitely not planned, but my motive was simple. I wanted to celebrate the person that Julian was and is. He. Saved. My. Life. Tears were shed and that became a night I will never forget.

God is not done with me yet. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for my life moving forward. Each day is a gift. Let us not forget who breathed life into us. Everything I do in this life, is for HIS glory.

I’m letting go of all negativity, resentment, and anger that cancer brought into my life. I never saw the connection before, but now I can clearly see. Through cancer God is transforming me into something beautiful, like a butterfly transforms from a caterpillar. I am ready to take flight and see where else God guides me.