Surviving Cancer

I have been having a real hard time as of late. I have been bottling up all that is going on because I hate burdening others with my problems. It seems there is a constant battle going on in my brain between rational and irrational thoughts. Lately, irrational has been winning. Some days I am just not mentally strong and my imagination takes over. And, like I mentioned in my last blog post, I forget to be kind to myself. I have no problem being kind to others, and set high expectations for myself when it comes to being kind to others. So, why do I have such a hard time being kind to myself?

I’ve recently started doing some shopping for the upcoming summer months. Going through my inventory at home, I quickly realized I am not the same size I was last summer, no where even close. I feel like I have gained so much weight in the last year. To outsiders, I may look thin, or like a twig, or whatever else people say these days, but that is not what I see. While I have always been very body conscious, that has only sky rocketed since being diagnosed with cancers, having a mastectomy and then also getting my breast implants removed as of January 2023. To me, I am unrecognizable. And even though I know my body has been through a lot, and others may disagree with me saying this, but my body is ugly.

There are scars, bruising and deformity. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of what my body got through, because it wasn’t easy. But I have since learned that clothes are not made to fit bodies like mine. Bodies that have been through hell and back. If I want to dress at all like a woman, forget it. Buying dresses is a nightmare. Buying swim suites is a nightmare. Buying lingerie, nope. What do all of these clothing categories have in common? The majority of the available options have a design that includes room for breasts. Not only do I not have breasts, I have concave like depressions where my breasts once were. Most woman can’t imagine what that would be like, and for sure no men!

I have had people ask me about using prosthetics, and to tell you the truth, using prosthetic breasts would make me feel so self-conscious, insecure, and uncomfortable. Why you ask? Well, to be honest, I don’t like the idea of people knowing they are prosthetic, or having to do double takes or questioning it to themselves and/or others. I don’t want THAT to be the reason people talk about me. I have a hard enough time with all of my other insecurities. I’m not about to choose to add more.

Even with daily battles in my head, I decided to better myself as best I can this year. Since 2024 started, I have since sought input from a personal trainer and have been working out 3 days a week. I have started to be more aware and conscious about what I am putting in my body. And most recently, I started going to therapy once a week. I have wanted and/or needed all of these things for, well, a long time. I am so grateful that I have the time and energy to dedicate to these important activities now.

I know my battles, mentally, physically, and emotionally, will never be gone, completely, but I can say with all honesty that I am at least working on bettering myself. I’ve made a little progress with each, but hey, it’s only March.