Surviving Cancer

It’s been a while since I’ve written. The last month was very unpredictable and stressful, to say the least. Due to coming down with COVID, I was not able to return to the hospital for chemo when it was originally planned. I was supposed to be out of the hospital for 6 days and then return for another round of chemo. I was out for a month before I went back.

Last week on Tuesday, I finally got the call from my doctor asking if I could come in Wednesday to be admitted for chemo. Thankfully, this hospital stay was much shorter. I went in Wednesday and was discharged by Saturday afternoon. I wish all my stays could be like that. Because I was technically still COVID positive I could not go back to my original cancer unit, but instead had to be admitted to the bone marrow transplant unit. I got a taste of what it will be like when I am admitted for the actual transplant. The rooms are updated and big! They also have special doors and air flow to keep bad stuff from getting into the rooms during transplant.

So far this round of chemo has treated me fairly well. I haven’t had any side effects other than fatigue. More so than normal, to the point where stairs or doing simple tasks makes me winded and out of breath. I’ll take it, considering I feel fine otherwise. I definitely enjoy being able to recover at home than in the hospital like last time.

There is other big new on the horizon. I got an update about my actual transplant. They had said they found plenty of donor matches and have now narrowed it down to the one they have chosen for me. This person, unknown to me, is working on getting scheduled for their necessary tests before the stem cells will be harvested.

It’s looking like my schedule “work-up” week will be the week of June 14th. This week I will undergo any testing, procedures, and education that needs to happen before the transplant. I will then, tentatively, be admitted end of June sometime to start the process before transplant. I still don’t know for sure what that time will look like, but I may get chemo and/or radiation to kill off any remaining cancer cells, deplete my immune system and make room for the new donor cells.

Did I mention that I received news that my body was 100% responsive to my first round of chemo and am considered in remission? This….is obviously amazing news, which I am so thankful for, but I am still really struggling with the reality that my life is right now. How on Earth is this the life that was planned for me? I thought having breast cancer and getting through treatment would be my hard. But now, Leukemia?

In general, I try to stay positive about it all. But as my transplant nears, and my month long hospital stay nears, I get more and more sad, mad, anxious, upset, worried, to name a few. No one understands. I hate to admit it, but I think about death and dying every day. I think about leaving my kids without a mother too early on in their lives. I think about leaving my husband as a widow. I think about the fact that I don’t have life insurance and will likely never qualify for life insurance, and when I go, I will leave my family with nothing. Yes, all very morbid thoughts, but that is my reality. How can I not think about these things?