Surviving Cancer

As most of my followers know, I have been diagnosed with Leukemia. I don’t have many details yet. Apparently this cancer requires a lot of tests before an official diagnosis can be made.

I’m sure you are all just as shocked as I was. I went in for a routine visit, had to request blood work because of how shitty I had been feeling. I was experiencing extreme fatigue to the point where I couldn’t take care of my kids. I could barely do stairs. I was just completely wiped out all of the time. I’ve always bruised like a peach, but it started going to a whole new level. It was like my veins in my legs were just bursting for no apparent reason. I was also experiencing headaches. In my mind, I chalked it up to Anemia. I really thought that’s all it was. The blood work came back showing I was anemic, but showed so much more too. My oncologist didn’t say it to me over the phone, but she knew right away upon seeing my numbers that I had Leukemia. I was told a normal number for white blood cells is 12. My number was in the 150’s. A nurse in the ER said that it was the highest count she had every seen. It was probably was something she should have kept to herself considering the circumstances, but oh well.

After speaking with my oncologist on my way home from my appointment with her, I drove home to get Josh and pack a few things. I was expecting to stay in the hospital for a night or two and wanted to be prepared. We drove in silence most of the way, aside from the constant sniffles and tears that flooded us both.

This situation has been all too familiar. I started a new job last week, just like I had when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were blindsided again. We are struggling with the health insurance and getting the financial aspect taken care of, again. Luckily though, this time we are home. It was the best decision we’ve ever made. It’s crazy to think back at the urgency I felt to move home. An urgency, at the time, I could not explain. Well, here we are, urgency explained. God knew we would not have been able to do this one on our own, without family and friends. He knew we would need more support this time around. And rightfully so, as I will be spending what sounds like at least a month or so in the hospital, doing intense chemotherapy.

I had my first bone marrow biopsy yesterday, which I do not wish upon anyone. It was painful, even with numbing medication. I also had a brain MRI due to some headaches, vision, and ear changes. Along with, a CT scan of my neck, back, abdomen, and pelvis to check for infections or abnormalities. No results on any of that yet. No results on my blood pathology, no results at all. Talk about a stressful few days.

Yesterday, all Josh and I could do was sit here and cry. We sat here thinking the worst, and pondering the unknown. We thought, this could be it. I could be dying. It was a very real feeling we both had. I don’t wish that feeling on anyone. It wasn’t until late afternoon that my oncologist, the one I saw at my doctor appointment, came to visit me. She asked me how I was. I immediately broke down and said, “not good.” All I can think is that I am dying. Her words were, “You’re not dying, this is very treatable.” I felt the weight instantly lift off of me. I could breath. I was able to stop crying. I tear up on occasion, but no more waterworks and sobs.

I. Am. Going. To. Live.

I did it once, I can do it again. But can you say unfair? How fucking unfair?!?!?! I’m not sorry for my language. I am angry. I am so mad. I am irate. I was ready to move on from cancer. Live the life I see my family and friends living. The life I thought I deserved after having had cancer once already before the age of a 30. But here we are, a year and a half later, with a second cancer diagnosis. Treatment for leukemia will be more intense and much longer. Apparently cancer isn’t done with me yet.

I had my port removed in July. I get a new, different port being put in today. Yay. Total sarcasm there. It’s not confirmed but this second cancer is potentially a side effect from the chemo I had for my breast cancer. Yup you heard that right. The chemo I had to rid of breast cancer gave me leukemia.

I have a lot of fear. A lot of anger. A lot is still unknown. But once again, I plan to keep my followers updated and in the know. I can’t do this alone. I NEED every single one of you reading this. I need prayers. I need uplifting words. I will sometimes just need to vent, so bare with me when that happens.

More updates to come, but until then, pray for me.