Surviving Cancer

I try to remain happy, and stay positive, but the truth is, deep down, there are parts of me that just need to vent sometimes. Parts like, anger, fear, loneliness. All those feelings have to come out sometime, and I guess today is that time. My husband, bless his heart, takes the brunt of my venting. I am constantly crabby, for no reason, or for all the reasons in the world. Often times I can’t pinpoint why I’m feeling angry, or sad, or mad, it just all comes out like a tornado straight out of the sky and engulfs anyone too close, usually Josh.

I wish I could control it, but it comes at the most unexpected times. Josh can usually trigger it just by trying to have a normal conversation. Today, we were simply talking about who would go get the kids from daycare. Neither of us wanted to be the one to go. I eventually won, but it cost me. It cost me some tears, anger, and resentment towards towards my life because of this thing called cancer that is all consuming.

I think about my life, and I get angry, and sad. I have the perfect family life. I have an amazing support system back home. My husband and children are the definition of perfection. My husband is so understanding and patient with all of the chaos that my life, our life, is right now. My children bring so much joy and laughter and meaning to my life. But what about the rest?

I have no social life. Other than going to the gym and doing warm water pool classes with people 2.5 times my age and quick conversations with people here and there, I am alone. A simple conversation is always nice, but it’s difficult to connect to people on another level when not many of them can relate to me and what’s going on in my life. I feel this lack of social life is 95% my fault. I have isolated myself since being diagnosed. My self-confidence is non-existent, which only fuels my drive to isolate and hibernate. I really didn’t realize how isolating and lonely having cancer really is.

I also have no career or work life. Starting a new job during treatment is quite unrealistic. With Josh in school, two kids, fatigue, and constant appointments, it really doesn’t make much sense. I wake up to pretty much the same day over and over again. Kids may or may not go to daycare. Josh may or may not be at school. I may or may not have chemo. But each day is still just as isolating and lonely as the one before.

Now, this may just be me having a little pity party for myself, but it gets all these thoughts off my mind, so it’s quite liberating. Once I get it all out, and calm down, I can move on with my day, and remember all of my blessings instead of dwelling on all of the negative aspects of a cancer diagnosis and life afterwards.

I have 6 weeks left of chemo treatments as long as I don’t have anymore setbacks. I have a surgery scheduled in April. Other than that, I haven’t even begun to think about what my future holds. I feel lost in my own life but will continue to seek direction from God.

I pray God grants me peace towards my current life situation and provides me with the guidance, drive, and motivation I need to establish plans for an amazing life and future with my family.