Surviving Cancer

I wish I had someone tell me and convince me of what I am about to share, before I had breast reconstruction surgery after a mastectomy. This is obviously a very biased account because I have been through it and can only tell you about what I experienced. In this day and age, the awful reality is that women are being diagnosed with breast cancer at younger ages. I was a mere 27 years old when I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Due to my young age, both my doctor and I wanted to pursue the most aggressive treatment.

There was no question in my mind that I wanted a mastectomy. I didn’t have to think twice about my decision to have a mastectomy over a lumpectomy. I understand everyone does what is best for them, but I still don’t understand why a woman diagnosed with breast cancer would take the risk and keep her breasts. I wanted to be absolutely certain that I did all I could to reduce my risk of it ever coming back. I had a two-year-old and a 3 month-old at home. I NEEDED to ensure I was around to raise my babies.

On August 7, 2019, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy direct to implants procedure. The most important thing about this surgery was that the surgeon was able to get clean margins. Meaning all surrounding tissues were free from the cancerous tumor. At the time, I thought getting implants would be the easier route. And by easy, I mean the route that drew the least amount of questions or looks about my appearance. I was 27 going on 28, and I didn’t want to lose that part of me. I wanted my self-image to look “normal”. But at what cost?

From the get-go, my implants were uncomfortable. They felt foreign and heavy. I didn’t have any feeling in my breast skin after surgery, and that just seemed to amplify the discomfort that I felt. The implants themselves were so firm; they felt like boulders. A mastectomy takes ALL breast tissue, so there is no “cushion” on top of my ribs underneath or between the implant and skin. To get some “cushion,” I underwent two separate fat grafting surgeries, where they took fat from my belly and hips and added it to the areas in need of cushion. I mean, it sounds straightforward enough. Guess again.

Aside from the pain and discomfort that follow having surgery, I now have more scars and permanent bruises to add to my battered body. Given the thought of getting liposuction from my belly and hips to make my implants look and feel better, I jumped at the opportunity. Well, my fat didn’t take well, and most of it died off. The necrotic fat tissue started forming hard, lumpy nodules on top of my implants. Fun, right?

I have literal, boulders for breasts, they are lumpy, they are painful and uncomfortable, but at least with clothes on, I looked “normal”. It was a weird and scary feeling when hugging someone or trying to hold my babies close. I hated the feeling of having pressure on my implants. I also felt like I could never truly hold my kids close. There was always something between us. I yearned to really hold them close and to actually feel as though I was holding them close.

Our bodies were not made to harbor foreign parts. In a case where the foreign part is absolutely necessary for function and quality of life, fine. Breast implants serve no real function other than to enhance one’s appearance. My body was doing a good job of telling me that it disliked the foreign objects that I chose to put there.

Had I chosen to forgo the breast implants, I could have saved myself so much time, pain, and discomfort. After less than 3 years with the implants, I knew I wanted them taken out. I was going to start the process, but then Leukemia happened. My breast implants actually help harbor leukemia cells. A mysterious lump began to grow in the space where my old port used to be. It was in this lump that they found leukemia cancer cells. The implants HAD TO GO!

I remember feeling like I could finally breathe again when they were gone. I felt like myself again. The foreign objects in my body were removed, and I just wish I had made the decision to go flat from the start. It was never confirmed, but I had a lot of symptoms of Breast Implant Illness. A real illness that stems from having breast implants. I am so glad that I finally came to my senses and had them removed, but I wish someone had told me all CRAP that comes with having breast implants.

Don’t get me wrong, being flat from a mastectomy does draw the eye. I have since learned that people can look and judge, but I am PROUD of my flat chest. I am proud of my countless scars and permanent bruises. My body went through hell and back on more than one occasion, and I am proud because I am here today, healthier than ever. I am here to raise my babies. I am here to be a wife to my husband. I am here to be a daughter, sister, coworker, and friend.

I am here because God said it was so. I will spend the rest of my life thanking God and doing what I can to bring Him glory.

“Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:16