Surviving Cancer

Today, is Easter. While families and loved ones gather together to celebrate that, He has risen, I sit in my hospital bed. I get to experience Easter with my children and husband through photos and videos, for the second year in a row. Leukemia has taken away my time to make precious memories with my children. I know they are still young, and likely won’t remember my absence, but I will remember, the pictures and the videos will remember and remind me and my kids that I was not there.

I have the fondest and happiest memories of Easter as a child. As a family, we would go to my aunt and uncle’s farm every year. As a child, I remember crawling around their pheasant pen, four-wheeling through mud and sludge, chasing barn cats, eating my aunt’s amazing cooking, and Easter baskets piled high with all of my favorite things. These are some of the happiest and most prized memories that I have of my childhood. I want that same thing for my own children, I NEED that for my children. They deserve only the happiest of memories. But so far, I am not off to a great start in providing that for them. Cancer has kept me from giving my children the childhood experiences and memories that they deserve.

Obviously, my family from both sides and husband do their best to make sure they have the best time possible, even if “Mom” can’t be there. I will be forever grateful to them for providing Audyn and Everett opportunities to create happy memories while I am away. This obviously, does not change my memory of these events, because I have to sit on the sidelines again, for the second year in a row. You read that right, this is my second Easter in a row, spent in the hospital because of cancer. I’ll just have to add it to the list of things cancer has taken from me.

I’d love to be able to say that this will be the last holiday or important memory with my children that cancer will take from me, but, well, I can’t do that. I can’t do that because I can’t be certain that it’s true. I’ve recently revisited some of my first, early blog posts, and in those I swore that after I was rid of breast cancer I was going to move forward, make plans, and live a more grateful life. Now, here I sit, my body riddled with cancer once again. Unable to make plans for the future and move forward with my life. I am, however, living a more grateful life. My cancer journey has brought so many people together for a common cause, me. I have been shown support, in all aspects, in the most selfless and generous ways.

Today, marks day 5 in the hospital after receiving my T-cells. I have not experienced any side effects so far, but according to the doctor, days 5-7 are peak days for symptoms to show themselves. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and prove the doctors wrong. So far they have all said, I will get a fever and likely other side effects, no matter what. I sure hope and pray to prove them wrong. I am young, I am otherwise healthy, and I have the best team of supporters rallying around me with prayers. I have been spending my time watching TV and movies on my fire stick, walking the halls, and coloring. I’ve also been fortunate enough to have Josh or my Mom come everyday, so I am not sitting here alone. The company definitely helps take away the sting of being in the hospital. At least I’m not alone. Hospital food has proven itself inedible for me, so they bring me food on the daily, and I also have a few things I keep in my room to snack on.

Leading up to this hospital stay, I was very anxious and stressed. All I had was memories of my last hospital stay when I had my transplant. My mind was constantly flooded with memories of chemotherapy and radiation that knocked me on my ass. I would think about how painful my mouth was, and how I was unable to eat, and had to be hooked up to a 24 hour nutrition IV. I would think about being so tired and disoriented from the chemotherapy and the pain medications that I would sleep, all day, if they would let me. I barely remember the actual time spent in the hospital, but I remember those major challenges and struggles, along with not being able to see my kids for week after week. What was left after my transplant was a crippled, pale, weaker version of myself. This is what contributed to my anxiety and stress leading up to this hospital stay. To my surprise and delight, those horrid memories will not be repeated.

I will continue to update as updates arise. I will be in the hospital for at least 10 days. Depending on how I am doing, I may get to move to my apartment at that time. Please pray for my continued health during this process.