Surviving Cancer

I feel like people who have not been “close” to cancer, often do not understand that cancer doesn’t just end. Cancer and chemo side effects can last for years, possibly even a lifetime. Even I, as the cancer patient, find it difficult to decipher normal fatigue, with cancer or chemo fatigue. I am tired, A LOT! I often wonder, is this just me, being lazy? How can I know the difference? The truth is, I can’t. Lately, I have been left with feelings of inadequacy. That is a feeling that is hard for me to cope with because most people won’t understand.

I’m guessing you are wondering what I mean by, inadequate. Well, I will tell you. I feel inadequate in multiple areas in my life. At home is one place. I am a mother and a wife. I know what my duties are. I know what things I should accomplish in a day as an adult. Laundry, dishes, general clean-up, those sort of things. There is never a shortage of things to do in our house, with two kids, two dogs, and a student husband. But, there are often days where I cannot bring myself to do anything. Just this past week, I got the kids to daycare on one of my days off from work, came right home and went to bed for another 4.5 hours! That is not real life. Most adults do not get the opportunity to take a nap of that magnitude in a normal day. I do because I had cancer. I can barely make it through a day of work, which brings me to another place where I have felt inadequate.

My job is not overly stressful, it is not hard, or labored. It is interacting with patients and nurses, stocking, and walking. Lots and lots of walking. I start at 7:30 in the morning and by 11 I’ve hit a wall. I normally wouldn’t take my lunch so early, but my body doesn’t give me a choice. I have to take my lunch break right away because I have no stamina to continue working. Even after my 30 minute break, I am exhausted. I can usually muster another couple of hours out myself, but my job technically asks that I work until 4, and well, I haven’t made it a whole day, ever. I work two days a week. Just two days a week, and I can barely handle that. I feel very inadequate at work. I feel as though I should be doing more. I expect more from myself, but I continue to let myself down.

I have been very blessed with an understanding husband, who gets that my body just can’t handle what it used to. My kids are young enough, where they don’t really see any inadequacies in me, but I know they are there. I don’t always have the energy to play with them, or give them attention when they ask for it. I do my best to show them all the love that I have to offer, I keep them healthy, clothed, fed, sheltered, and safe. I just have to leave all the rough housing and goofing around for daddy.

Working where I do, I feel like my coworkers have more of an understanding than most for what I am experiencing. I try not to show that I’m struggling or let on that I am dead tired, most of the time. I feel like pushing through my fatigue helps to build back the stamina I will need to one day work full-time again. Which brings be to a quick side-note. I made the decision to go back to school. Yes, again! I will officially be starting nursing school in January, with intentions of becoming an RN. More student debt, more homework, more classes, but I feel that after going through what I have a gone through, my calling, is nursing.

If you take anything away from this post, I would that it would be to be patient, and be more understanding. I know most people are, especially if they know your cancer history, but try to remember to be patient and understanding with others around you on a day to day basis. It kills me to have to ask for “special” treatment, but that is what my life has come to after having cancer. It is a reality for me right now, and possibly for the rest of my life. Only time will tell.

Although I have these feelings of inadequacy, I have to report that after a full medication change, I no longer am in pain. I no longer have joint pain and stiffness, and I no longer get daily headaches. Switching all of my medications was the best decision, I just wish I would have done it sooner. I wanted to try all other options first, which I did, and it ended up taking like 8 weeks to finally become myself again and side effect free.

Much love to you all!