Surviving Cancer

It has been quite some time since I have written. I find myself not in the right mood to blog, lately. Here, in South Dakota, the isolation and quarantine is basically over. Restaurants are open, stores, and shopping malls are open. Despite a few regulations like, wearing a face mask (which I greatly oppose) and social distancing are still in effect. Being able to get out of the house and actually go places and feel semi-normal, has really helped my mood.

I still have very tired days, where all I want to do is sleep. My oncologist thinks it could be due to the hormone blocking medication I am on, but with my medication regimen changing soon, he didn’t want to mess with it, just to have to mess with it again in a few weeks. So, I take naps when I can, and when I can’t, I get iced coffee. Which, I have to come to determine that, I am addicted to. I guess there are worse things to be addicted to.

Due to Covid19, my surgery that was scheduled for May 6th was postponed. Before it was postponed, I was so ready to get this surgery over with. For those of you who don’t know, I was scheduled to have reconstruction surgery where I would have fat grafting from my stomach area to my breast and also to have a full hysterectomy and bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy. Or in other words, I will be having my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and cervix removed. I felt I had made the right decision to do this prophylactic surgery in order to decrease my chances of cancer setting up shop somewhere else, due to my gene mutation. But when it got postponed, it gave me time to think. All of sudden, I was rethinking my choice.

I always thought I would have several kids, 3 or 4, maybe. Full disclaimer here, what I am about to write about, in no way means I am not truly happy and blessed with the 2 children I already have, or that I discount the struggle many go through to have baby’s of their own. But, I wasn’t ready to be done. I wasn’t ready for this decision to be made for me and be taken away from me, like it was. Having my surgery postponed had me rethinking what I was about to do. After much thought, I decided that being here, on earth, with the family I already had, was more important. My life, is more important. I need to be here for the two beautiful children I was blessed with.

I still have grieving to do over the fact that I will not be having anymore biological children. I will never be pregnant again. I will never grow a human inside me, feel their kicks, anticipate their gender, or pick out baby names. These are all things I loved about bringing a new baby into the world, all things I will severely miss. I don’t know that the pain of having this decision basically made for me will ever go away, but with time, I know I will soon forget about what I had to miss out on, and embrace the life that was gifted to me.

My postponed surgery has been rescheduled to July 1st. In less than two weeks, it will be final. I will be put into surgical menopause, at the age of 29. I will start a new hormone blocking medication that is specifically for women in menopause. This new medication may come with a load of side effects that I am not currently experiencing on my current medication. On the bright side, I will have greatly reduced my chances of getting another hormone related cancer.

It was the words of my husband that finally made me realize that my decision to go ahead with surgery was the right one. As we were talking about my second thoughts about the surgery and wanting the chance to have another babe, he said something along the lines of, “I would rather have you here for longer.” That was all it took. I knew I needed to make sure I am here with my husband and kids for as long as possible.