Surviving Cancer

Chemo happened today without problems. The 4 days of injections continues to help with my cell counts. My ANC today was just over 2,900, which is another improvement from last week. One thing different today at chemo was that, for the first time since I started chemo in September, I didn’t have to go alone. Today, my wonderful friend offered to watch the kids so Josh could go with me and see what it’s all about. I really don’t mind going alone, but I think Josh enjoyed being able to see the process and see where I have been spending a bunch of my time the past 5 months. I officially have 2 treatments to go!

There are a couple things I need to address. I had two very important realizations today that I would like to share with all of you. The first came to me this morning when Josh and I were on our way to chemo. I was driving and realized that from the past years I can remember, this has been my healthiest winter, yet. How unbelievable is that? Since starting chemo, I have had one, 24-hour virus, back in November. Other than that I have not even had but the slightest of colds or other illness. How blessed am I, that I could go through this chemo journey without the added stress and worry about getting sicknesses or illnesses that would further complicate my health. One person, one angel, came to mind. My grandpa. He passed away before my diagnosis, but I know he is the one up there calling the shots and helping me through this journey. I may not have many guardian angels up in heaven, but I know how he can be, he is a man who gets his way, and I’m sure glad I have him to call upon during this time.

The second thing I need to tell you all is, not only do I have my guardian angel up in heaven, but I also I have an angel here on earth that is looking out for me. We have personally known each other for about as long as I’ve known I have cancer. She reached out to me. She chose me. I knew I was lonely, but she didn’t, she couldn’t have. She became the friend I so desperately needed, but didn’t know how to obtain. She has given her time, her home, her money, her love, all for what? For me. She gave all of that for me, to help me and my family, when we didn’t know where else to turn. She is a force, an angel who basically forced me to be her friend (in a good way) and turns out, that is exactly what I needed. I needed someone to force it upon me then, but especially now.

My self-confidence has taken a real hit. It’s basically non-existent. I don’t feel like myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don’t like getting attention because I have cancer, because of my deteriorating physical appearance. I know people see it. It’s likely all they see by just glancing. No hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, no pink in my cheeks, no life. My body has taken more hits than I thought possible. I have gained more weight than I would like to admit. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror.

This. Is. Not. Me. This is not who I am. I want people to see my outgoing personality. I want people to see my kind and giving heart. I smile, I take part in conversations, I say “it’s all good” because I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how in depth to go, I don’t know how much these people I haven’t really gotten to know yet, want to know about me and my life. I miss my old self, I miss who I used to be. I really hope I can find that girl again some day.

Despite ALL of THAT, this women, who I now call a very good friend, she looked past all of that and really showed up. She texts me just about everyday, just to check-in and say hi. She makes me laugh, we talk about normal friend-like stuff, and for those few moments, I feel like myself, like I used to be. She brings out the best in me, even when I feel like I have nothing left give.

This friend, well you know who you are. I want you, and everyone out there following my blog to know, you helped make this shitty situation(cancer), tolerable. You be-friended me despite the horrible circumstances of a cancer diagnosis. You have given so much, and to call you my friend is a true blessing. Thank you for all you have done, and all will continue to do for me and my family.

To everyone out there who has been following my journey, praying, bringing meals, sending mail, gift cards, money, hosting fundraisers and benefits, I see you. I hear you. I can feel the love. Thank you.