Surviving Cancer

Today, I was scheduled to have chemo. After arriving and getting labs taken to check my numbers I met with the nurse practioner that works with my doctor. I have mychart so when my lab results come back I get a notification on my phone. Now that I know what to look for in my numbers, I am always anxious to see what those numbers are. My ANC was at 1, 032. I was under the impression that those numbers are too low because of what my doctor said last time. Well the doctor I met with said it was possible to still do chemo today, so she was going to consult with my oncologist to get his thoughts on the matter.

We came up with a plan. A GREAT plan. This plan allowed for me to not have to miss any Christmas time with my family. Due to my ANC being slightly lower than my oncologist would like, he agreed to let me have chemo today and then we would postpone next weeks treatment to give me a little more time to recover over the holidays. I felt this was the best case scenario! It was rough having to wait until just a few days before Christmas to figure this all out, but boy am I happy!

That said, this my fourth treatment in a row and I can definitely feel it. The fatigue is more prominent than in the past. I came home and took a three and a half hour nap. I woke up still tired. My body is restless, tired, and weak. I’m also having chemo cravings, which are cravings after chemo like when I was pregnant and would get them. I’m craving ice cream, cheesecake, brownies, cake, pie, really any kind of sweet. We have nothing in the house, so I settled for a banana. While the banana didn’t quite satisfy my craving, it was the best banana I have ever eaten.

People keep asking me if I am ready for Christmas. Technically, yes I am. I have no more presents I need to buy and I am ready to spend some time with our family’s. But at the same time, I hate that I am spending Christmas this way. I never in a million years thought that this is what it would be like during my sons first Christmas. All of his firsts will be imprinted with the memory of what I was going through and how I felt. Never really feeling 100% like myself and probably never will again. While this isn’t something I can fix, it is something I have a choice in. A choice to dwell in my pain and self loathing, or the choice to move forward, accepting each new day as a gift from God. Another day to spend with the ones I love. Another day to make memories with my kids. Another day to love and cherish my husband for the amazing and selfless man that he is.

I have cancer, yes, but I have treatable cancer. Some aren’t so lucky. Others can only manage their cancer. My cancer was caught early. This is a gift. I can be cancer free, and I will be. God has a plan for me, my kids, and my husband. But this plan has the ability to be modified. I am going to move forward, filling in the gaps of God’s plan with new memories, laughter, fun, family, and hopefully a couple vacations. My story is not finished, it will not end with cancer.