Surviving Cancer

Today, has been…hard. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. My mind is much too active to succumb to shutting down for a nap. I wish I could be as active as my mind. Maybe then I would have my before baby body back. Today, I have been daydreaming. Daydreaming of a place far away. A place where chemo is done, cancer is gone, beaches, sun, and the idea of not having a care in the world.

Daydreaming has gotten me into trouble today. While I daydream of planning a trip…somewhere…anywhere, I am reminded of the fact that I have cancer, and my life revolves around cancer. I am, again, reminded of all of the things cancer has taken from and limited me from doing.

This isn’t one of those posts where I need people telling me to think positive, and think about all the blessings I do have, because, well, I am well aware of those blessings. Most days those blessings keep me going, but today, I need more. Today, I wanted to cling to the idea of planning a trip. My idea of a trip involves the ocean, beaches, pools, food, the sun. Yet, I am reminded of major obstacles in the way of planning this trip.

Money. I hate money more than anything in the world. Even mini vans. Money controls my life; my family’s life. Cancer popped up right as I was starting a new job. Had I been well established into a previous job, I probably could have kept working, but trying to start a new job with all the cancer appointments and absences. Forget it. Cancer took my income.

Money is the root of all, well most, evil. Money is an inhibitor. It controls those who don’t have it or don’t have enough of it. I am, by no means, materialistic. I wear cheap, clearance, or secondhand clothes. My kids wear cheap, clearance, secondhand clothes. I am definitely not bashing secondhand, because I love garage sales and thrift shopping, I’m simply trying to point out that I don’t need top notch stuff. I like finding deals and saving money, and yet, we still struggle with money controlling us.

Before starting this post today, I was clinging to the hope of going on a trip. A trip like the one mentioned above; beaches, pools, food, etc… After speaking with my husband, who, is definitely more mindful of how we spend money, we concluded that the trip I have in mind, is not likely, or realistic at this time in our lives. I was disheartened, to say the least.

As I sit here writing this I am trying to get my brain to wrap around the idea of a less “extravagant” trip. One that would cost much less. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I was really clinging to this whole trip business, so to have it pulled away before my eyes, shattered me.

I pray that God grants me the peace and acceptance I need to move forward from my little pity party. I pray he helps me to be more mindful of the thing I hate most, money. I pray that my husband doesn’t think I’m a total nut-job for thinking a trip, like the one I was imagining, was even possible. I pray that I am continued to be blessed by the things and people most important to me; my husband, kids, family, and their health.

Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes I just need a little something to cling to. Something to help get me through this dark and challenging time. It is on days like today, that I need a ray of sunshine.